I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

“I’ll tell myself whatever I need to hear to stop listening.”

“They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transportin…”

“My dreams died nine months before I was born
”

“I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie an…”