I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.

“If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it …”

“Days turn into weeks, which turn into months, which turn into years, which turn…”

“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the bac…”

“A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing …”