I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.

“A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of…”

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”

“Cupid, that chubby cherub love dispenser, is dead. But before he died, he appoi…”

“I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.”