I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.

“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when …”

“The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, w…”

“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someo…”

“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but…”