I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who ca…”

“Tomorrow night I’m giving a lecture on silence and invisibility. Don’t be surpr…”

“A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.”

“I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.”