I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.

“Love is as iffy as Kipling.”

“Every leap year I like to jump. It’s a good way to get my daily exercise in eve…”

“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.”

“I sent a message silently, through body language and body odor.”