I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks and does impressions of my visitors with a falsetto voice. It’s embarrassing. I hate when she steals my routine.

“My name is Sam (my name is Am), and I am my own fan. I’m a clone of Jarod Kintz…”

“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earnin…”

“If a man was choking, what would I do? Well, I’d remove my penis from his throa…”

“In five years I want to go equally as far as I have come in the last five years…”