I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.”

“If a molar-shaped asteroid crashed down from the heavens and crushed my testicl…”

“Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.”

“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly di…”