I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.

“The fastest way to lose weight is to find religion and start fasting.”

“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my…”

“I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photo…”

“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a j…”