I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.

“My advice to men is this: Don’t rape a Pringles can, because empty does not mea…”

“Me and my girlfriend aren’t a good fit. Her clothes are much too small for me.”

“If your name is Alex Andrew Aaron, and you are a straight-A student, is it beca…”

“Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.”