I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

“Is there a gun that shoots rain? Oh yeah, water guns. How technologically advan…”

“If love were a porch light, I’d be the moth. And you’d be the freshly-pressed p…”

“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the bac…”

“I own a few yawns that I rent out to people who are tired of the sleazy snooze …”