I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter even…”

“A pear, an apple, and a banana in a basket on a table isn’t art, no matter how …”

“When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.”

“She’s beautiful, but she’s also got brains. I’ll bet zombies would love to eat …”