I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You can burn my house, but don’t you dare burn my coffee.

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your as…”

“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They d…”

“The wind chime sounded like a spoon clanging against a cereal bowl, and I was g…”

“If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if …”