I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

“I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripp…”

“Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.”

“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just a…”

“I like sauce in my cereal. But not just any sauce, it has to be a cream sauce, …”