I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to hold my lighter?

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a bea…”

“My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch…”

“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.”

“The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn…”