I have two problems with hard labor: hard and labor. I prefer soft, and I’d prefer not giving birth.

“Everybody has a past—even if it lies in the future.”

“I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.”

“Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only …”

“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”