I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

“Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.”

“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to au…”

“The night before I’m murdered,” said the voice over in my head, “will be at noo…”

“I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of th…”