I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.

“I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it…”

“A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting …”

“A slice of cheese is like a blanket on a burger, and I sleep with pillows shape…”

“If I’m having sex during an earthquake, would I get a refund on all those quart…”