I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.

“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower,…”

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how o…”

“Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely ou…”

“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. …”