I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.

“Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was me…”

“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at …”

“She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re …”

“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain w…”