I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell if you saw the meal I was just given: two packets of saltine crackers and a glass of water (ice not included).

“A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body qu…”

“A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sou…”

“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of…”

“I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, bec…”