I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.

“Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.”

“I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, ma…”

“I went out on a limb, because that’s where the noose was.”

“I dove in feet first. I like to dive in feet before I dive in hands, because I …”