I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for me.

“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is…”

“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber …”

“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared…”

“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on ti…”