I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

“I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing …”

“With Mildred Feeblemeister dead, I’m now the world’s 77th greatest grandmother.”

“If I look like I haven’t slept for eight hours, it’s because I haven’t. Oh, I w…”

“If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirectio…”