I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.

“Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.”

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to…”

“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee …”

“Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as…”