I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually, the first two don’t sound bad compared to the last one.

“A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make …”

“A can of canola is better than a can of can’t.”

“I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone …”

“I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belong…”