I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.

“I’ve always wanted to send a message in a bottle, with my message saying someth…”

“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better b…”

“I don’t get offended when you talk about the Japanese. Not because I’m not one,…”

“If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.”