I taught my kid brother sign language and then cut off all his fingers. He hasn’t spoken to me since.

“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only a…”

“A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.”

“We’re going to go in the back room as two singles, copulate back there, and com…”

“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish…”