I used to have straw-colored hair. Horses loved it.

“I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing yo…”

“If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say somethi…”

“It's really hard to drive, talk on the phone, and jack off at the same time. An…”

“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kick…”