I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.

“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than …”

“My ex girlfriend was exquisite, and my current one is quisite.”

“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my ne…”

“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in…”