I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.

“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care …”

“A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick…”

“I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and th…”

“When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to …”