I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.

“I wash my hands twice in the bathroom—once before I touch my penis, and once ag…”

“I could have murdered a man today, but by not doing so I saved his life, and th…”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was re…”

“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and g…”