I want to have a punctuation mark on my face. I’d like to shape my mustache into a tilde sign.

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

“I am the assembly line of love. Please take off your shoes before you run on my…”

“I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.”

“A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the mor…”