I want to meet the girl of my dreams, and then immediately try to sleep with her—for between six to eight hours.

“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the o…”

“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”

“A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because …”

“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but …”