I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “…”

“I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann d…”

“My fingernail itches. I need to scratch it with my skin.”

“I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.”