I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.

“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so…”

“I want my last 50 years on this earth to be amazing. Of course, I still want to…”

“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make …”

“I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.”