I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the…”

“A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but th…”

“I was sick, so I went to see a ducktor. He was a quack.”

“Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.”