I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

“This is a pickup line that’s sure to not work: I want to inquire if you’re in c…”

“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipple…”

“There are few things in this world I have left to hang on to, and one of them i…”

“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody ca…”