I wear my shirts backwards and inside out. It helps give my genitals more breathing room.

“A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with …”

“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. …”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, …”

“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a s…”