I went on a road trip with my cat, Cap’n. I would have let him drive, but he was drunk.

“Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by myster…”

“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off m…”

“Pepperoni looks so much like nipples that I can’t eat pizza without getting hor…”

“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was le…”