I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.

“He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, …”

“A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 5…”

“Why fly in a space ship when you can just park it in my driveway? I’ll even mov…”

“Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.”