I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.

“Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as…”

“A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician str…”

“I made plans out of hope, expectation, desire, and duct tape, and I broke those…”

“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-…”