I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him…”

“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended …”

“I want a Snuggle Sandwich—hold the pickle. Make it a combo and upsize it.”

“When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxi…”