I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.

“If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.”

“If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like m…”

“I write my name on my underwear. Of course, I have to first cross out the name …”

“I would have enjoyed “Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all cl…”