I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

“I’m a closet sociopath. You can tell by all the skeletons I have hanging up nex…”

“I drew the outline of a flag blowing in the wind. I decided to leave it an outl…”

“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.”

“Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for trea…”