I’d rather be assassinated. It’s not like I’m doing anything this evening. Inevitably there’ll be a parade, so just remember your umbrella.

“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.”

“Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?”

“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a n…”

“My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.”