If I could capture the rays of the sun in a can, I'd paint a canvas with it and have you look at my work until the memory of my work was burned in your mind and your retinas burned out.

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're p…”

“Love is like a cloudless blue sky. That’s why I always carry an open umbrella.”

“If I remain silent, the proper response is, “You don’t say.”

“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran…”