If I could change any one thing about me, I’d change you.

“Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be …”

“My favorite pen is my penis. Put my words in your mouth.”

“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to…”

“I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please d…”