If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.

“It’s so windy outside that there are waves in my cereal bowl. I was out of milk…”

“If I could have money for any amount of time, I’d take 12:59.”

“At their core, things are essentially good. Except apples. At their core, they …”

“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was tra…”