If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now.

“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal…”

“I drew the outline of a flag blowing in the wind. I decided to leave it an outl…”

“I find it hard to fold clothes. Especially if I’m wearing them.”

“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up recei…”