If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.

“The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.”

“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying …”

“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a…”

“Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back b…”